INTRODUCTION

David (2015)

No matter what else I accomplish in my life, I know that I will be remembered for my micropenis.  My pictures have been widely distributed online.  I keep finding them in groups where I never posted them.  Once that photo gets posted or given out in a chat, it stops being your property.  I have a master's degree, I won awards in high school as a swimmer, I sometimes work as a personal trainer transforming the health of clients, but I remain well aware of what sets me apart, what will keep me remembered. 

David (2015)

The first time I wrote about my experience it was a high fictionalized account about a boy nicknamed "PeeWee" instead of more accurately "LD" which was my nickname in high school.  As I said, it was highly fictionalized, or should I say exaggerated, though mostly based on stuff that has happened, just not necessarily the way I described it in those stories.  My promise is to put down memories having to do with sex, penis size, and experiences growing up that had an impact on who I am--who I have become.  Unlike the "Pee Wee" stories, which were only fictionalized to the extreme, based on real events and then eroticized and exaggerated to please the reader like most Hollywood biographies, I am trying hard to stay honest to what happened, at least from my own point of view.  Honestly some of the events are hard to recall which happened first or later, but I have done my best to put it into an order that makes sense.    

This is an update of my original introduction, and my younger brother actually read some of my accounts and disagreed in some instances with what I had written.  I invited him to set the record right from his point of view, which he did, and I left that alongside the main account so you could decide for yourselves.  Memory is such a malleable thing. 

David (1997)
Bad Moon was one of my favorite werewolf movies, starring one of my very (heart throb) favorite actors, Michael Paré.

I remember being different early on.  

By age 8, I had notice the differences between my own body and my two brothers.  I had two brothers, Chuck and Mark, and we were pretty even spaced out about three years apart from one another--Chuck was three years my elder, and Mark was 3 years younger. Even my younger brother had a penis that protruded even when soft, while my own remained almost completely hidden inside me, only emerging when I became erect.  My older brother, Chuck, had commented several times about my "tiny penis", even saying that I had a "vagina", and his comments were not completely lost on me since my penis for the most part remained retracted inside me most of the time.  Both my parents assured me that I was a boy.  My mother used the term "buried penis" and having read up on that condition I understand what she believed, though I do not believe that condition exactly applied to me.

I was not circumcised.  At birth I was premature by several weeks.  Circumcision was delayed.  My parents were told that due to my small penis and the fact the foreskin was still fuzed with the glans that circumcision should be delayed until I was older.  

When I was older, my mother, being an extremely religious person, had contacted a physician about circumcising me.  During the discussion, my older brother Chuck teased me that they were going to cut off my "peepee" with a hatchet , a reference to Indian stories we had been reading (Woo-woo not red dot as we said back then.).   I cried and started screaming even when my parents tried to separate out my brother's myth from the reality, even the reality didn't seem like such a good thing to me as they explained what was going to happen, and they (my father prevailed here) decided to spare me the surgery. 

All I saw was that my mom wanted to cut my "peepee" off, or at least part of it.  As a result I ended up uncut while both my brothers were circumcised at birth.  This was an issue for my mother, a very religious woman, who made comments about it all my life.  Based on her diatribe, many of my "issues" were sourced at this point when my father "betrayed Jesus" and stopped the circumcision. I think that speaks volumes about what kind of person she is.  She voted for Donald Trump.  'Nuff said?

"I'm Here To Be Awesome" (Hawlik: 2016)

Somehow in her mind being uncut was a sin and she as the parent was also accountable.  Even though she was not Jewish, she somehow seemed to think that my uncircumcised status might keep me out of heaven, and her for not insisting on it.  When I say she is religious, you have to understand how serious I am.  She actually believes in guardian angels, and often talks about how her own guardian angel had interceded on her behalf to save her life several times. 

I used to wonder as a kid if my uncut condition was somehow responsible for my smaller size, but then as I entered school and encountered other uncut boys, I realized that my size had nothing to do with my foreskin.

Lou Holtz wrote that “life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.”  That is so true.  I think a lot of what made me who I am isn't so much the fact I was born with a micropenis, but rather how my brothers, schoolmates, and even I reacted to it.  I came to understand that I was not like the other boys, was inferior to the other boys, and that while they were destined to become men, I would not.  I also have always looked younger than my age despite being tall.  The few times I tried to challenge that notion, one or the other of my two brothers, or other guys at school, were there to remind me that "resistance is futile".  I was assimilated into their beliefs about me.

I understood exactly how the main character, in the "Pee Wee" stories felt about his nickname, because starting my sophomore year I also had a nickname that defined me by my small penis.  I got the nickname "LD" which literally stood for "Little Dick" or "Little Dave" (take your pick), but since there was no "Big Dave" to compare me with, I'll let you do the math about the point that was being made to me.  At that time in my teenage years when teens are their most awkward, their most vulnerable, I got saddled with a nickname that reminded me of what I feared most to be essentially true about me.  Every time I was called by name it was a reminder that I had a "little dick".

Big Finger/Small Dick (Hawlick: circa 2013)

Here's the thing.  It took me years to get that it was never my little dick that was the issue.  It is sort of a Zen thing.  It was my lack of confidence  We make decisions, and often we make those decisions unconsciously.  Even not making as decision is ultimately a decision.  People have prejudices.  That is just the way it is.  Some people hate people of different races, or discriminate against people of a different faith, I could go on.  If you have small penis, it is like being Islamic and living in the USA during the Trump administration.  Likely you will catch some flack  But there are some will will support you too,  Today there is a whole following of gay men who even prefer small dicks.  

Once day I caught myself saying that wished I had met them back when i was 16, and then I realize that I did.  My friend, Danny Bliss, who ironically fell into that two percent of men with the largest size, admittedly had a fetish for small dicks.  I learned more from him than I can tell you.  He came at the perfect time in my life, right at the end of my high school career when I was ready to hear what he had to say, when I was ready, finally, to begin to stand up for myself.   As they say when the student is ready, the teacher will come.  And so it goes...

David as "Vitruvian Man " (Rendered by Chris Hawlick)
Proving he has all the right proportions!

Author's Note: As you read these chapters, please leave comments.  I would truly appreciate your feedback.

"Do not let the world make you hard.  Do not let pain make you hate.  Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness." --Vonnegut

CHAPTER 1: THE FALL FROM GRACE

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